Verhaal van Nora

‘What Kickbox Means To Me’
Pretty body, muscles, punches, kicks. Skillful, vital people who can fight, who are strong, who are persistent. I am not like that at all. I live in my head, I feed off the internet and books, the rest is not my world. I have not been out in public much for almost 8 years. I have few friends, I show little of myself, and I stifle myself completely. When I came to the gym, I did not come by myself. I was sent by my therapist; it was my homework until the next time to take up martial arts urgently. I had been seeing the therapist for a year at that point, I went to see her because I had destroyed all the projects, I had started instead of finishing them or decide that I was done at this point or that point. On the computer, it is a push of a button. Delete. I became suspicious that I had been doing this with about everything else in my life, my creativity, my relationships, my opportunities... If I am not as good as the level that I keep setting higher, I am going to ruin myself. I was never that good. And I have been stubbornly destroying myself my whole life. E.g. with autoimmune disease, and many other unconscious and subconscious images, sounds, texts, energies...

I was sitting at the desk in the gym, there was a training session for kids, waiting for someone to come and ask me what I was doing there. I looked around, it seemed like a safe friendly environment, soon Tony arrived and asked if he could help with anything. I said I hoped he could because it was my homework. And indeed, he could, we made an appointment. My therapist said I would feel a change after just one or two sessions, I highly doubted it. After the first session, I was simply happy that I liked this kickboxing thing. After the second one on the way home, I really felt lighter. Then I joined group training, something I had been very afraid of before. I would be lame around people, sweaty, no make-up, feeling naked. But then it turned out to be even better than personal training, I enjoyed not doing it all on my own. I am not alone! I smiled at the world on the way home. It would have been nice so far, but when I was feeling pretty good, I couldn’t train for 5 weeks due to travel. By the time I got back, I was sick, and I was mentally broken again, all the symptoms were there again... I couldn’t wait to train again, I missed it so much that I have even cried afterward, but maybe I just almost did, I don’t remember. What I remember for sure is that I was unspeakably relieved, and got immediately better after getting back to training. I found myself thinking that this prodigious meaning of kickbox about the perseverance, the struggle, and the strength is what I actually do myself, it is all in me. After every training I feel better, then it gets sometimes worse, but then after the next training it is better again. The point is, that I give myself a chance every time. I was just telling Tony today that I accidentally started writing back in January, it might end up being a book. Tony, if you’re reading this, I forgot to tell you that I haven’t hit DELETE yet. So, if I keep going like this, it really will be a book!